So I'm sitting here back at home in Wenona and it's getting hard. I don't care what people think but time is a bitch. It doesn't heal anything. If anything it makes you think about your decisions even more. It makes you question the what if's and the "fuck" moments.

I'm sitting here at my parents house and I can say that I'm glad I went to England, and going back. If I would have chosen that path that I considered at the middle of the summer I would have been in Missouri trying to work on a relationship that was probably already broken. But now I'm working on myself.

I have and audition in Jan/Feb for ANDREW LLYOD WEBER!! I never would have had this opportunity before. Do I miss my past? Yes... Probably more then I ever pretend to. But I also know that there is a reason my past is my past.

I made some amazing friendships in the last few months. Whether this leads to anything only God knows but what I do know is that I'm strong. I'm stronger then what I believed myself to be for the past 2 years. I can handle the ups and downs in life and the relationships that go with it.

I truly believe now that if my past were to confront my future I could handle it. Yes part of me misses it but I know that part of me wont let one person decide my future. In all honesty I focused my future around that person and that wasn't right for either of us. There are reason people have their own seperate dreams. When you meet the one that you believe you want to be with forever of course dreams might alter SLIGHTY but they shouldn't alter COMPLETELY.

My dream has always been to work in a theatre or act in one. While this maybe a short term dream it is still one that I hope the man who wants to be with me will understand.

No person is perfect. I have found this out but each person DOES have good in them. Whether you want to find that good is your choice. I have found a good in each of the people in my past.

The strongest person in my past has found the most good. They pushed for me to sing, and if they hadn't I never would have applied to a school in England. Did this push us part? Probably, but I wont let that alter any more of my decisions. From what I hear they are happy and I wish them the best.

I am happy. For the first time in 6 months I am happy. I hope that the past can one day be my friend but until them I'm still going to push forward because if I don't I'm going to let all of the negative people in my past control me... And I refuse to be controlled anymore.....