The B word... Sssshhhhhh

So I haven't written in a while. Honestly I don't know why. Lots of things have been going on so you would think I would lol. But seriously I don't feel like catching this blog up on every little thing that I have done.

I'm doing ok. The past two weeks have been rough but that can be expected. I had two 4000 word essays due and OF COURSE I procrastinated. Waited till the last minute to get them done. But what can I say. That's just how I work.

I went home for Spring Break and while it was great to see some people that I really missed and to meet some new people... I'm really glad to be back in England. I feel comfortable here. It's nice knowing I don't have to worry about people talking about me behind my back or coming up to me and say "your sarah Jo? oh...I heard about you." I mean seriously folks? come on...

Truthfully the reason I'm really glad to be back is Bryan is engaged. Yes. I said his name. I can. I was with the guy for 4 1/2 years I think I'm allowed that. And I'm not going to lie, it hurt when I heard the news. Not because I thought we were going to get back together. I wouldn't dream of giving up where I am now to be with him. (And everyone that's knows me and how our relationship was knows I would have given up what I was doing not the other way around). I think it hurt because seriously... I WANTED IT FIRST! I wanted to show him that I'm fine with out him. But now looking back I can see that I really did show him I'm better off with out him.

I chose England over him. Even when we talked about me staying in the states I STILL chose England. And I wouldn't give up this experience for the world! I know that if I would have picked the other route I would have been stuck in southern missouri in a job that I really didn't like in a relationship that, let's be honest, was not healthy.

So if you are reading this you are probably thinking two things. One: How can she talk like that about Bryan? Two: What changed?

With question number one, I can talk about Bryan because I need to talk about Bryan. My sister was right. By me telling everyone that I'm ok. I'm fine. I'm over him. I never was going to get over him. And I can say now I'm on that track. It helps that I met this amazing guy and while things might not pan out with us, he seriously taught me how to laugh again, that drinking is ok, and in all honesty how to be myself again. But I still have a long road ahead. I do care about Bryan and I probably always will. We went through some pretty big events together (thank god we skipped the marriage part lol) and I think part of me will always care about him because of that.

The answer to question two, what changed? I did. For the first time in 3 1/2 years (first year was actually good between bryan and myself) I am making decisions for myself. I'm deciding what I want to do and not listening to what someone else wants me to do to follow them. The other answer to the question, I can't imagine myself with him anymore. I can't imagine going through a day ever again where I feel bad about myself. I'm not saying that Bryan did that every day, he didn't. Many times he was my best friend. But when I would come home and feel horrible that I made a decision with out talking to him, that's just not right. And I'm not doing that anymore.

I have some amazing friends that I have met here. Friends that like my silly behavior. Friends that if they do know what happened don't judge me. Friends that like the fact that I like to drink, go out, smoke (though I am trying to quit), and love theatre more then anything in the world. Friends that can forgive me if I do make a mistake. And I do make mistakes.

I can finally be myself. So if that's the catch up that you wanted there it is. Hopefully if you read this you can say that you are proud of me. And not start the stupid rumors about "oh my god did you see what Sarah Jo wrote on facebook and her online journal? How could she?" Seriously folks, get over yourselves. Many of you who are judging just remember, at one point you used to be a good friend of mine. You used to say you had my back. And as you can see we are no longer friends because just as you used me, I used you too. I used you to help me get through my rough patches with Bryan. But guess what I'm done with that now. So F off. :)