So I'm sitting here back at home in Wenona and it's getting hard. I don't care what people think but time is a bitch. It doesn't heal anything. If anything it makes you think about your decisions even more. It makes you question the what if's and the "fuck" moments.

I'm sitting here at my parents house and I can say that I'm glad I went to England, and going back. If I would have chosen that path that I considered at the middle of the summer I would have been in Missouri trying to work on a relationship that was probably already broken. But now I'm working on myself.

I have and audition in Jan/Feb for ANDREW LLYOD WEBER!! I never would have had this opportunity before. Do I miss my past? Yes... Probably more then I ever pretend to. But I also know that there is a reason my past is my past.

I made some amazing friendships in the last few months. Whether this leads to anything only God knows but what I do know is that I'm strong. I'm stronger then what I believed myself to be for the past 2 years. I can handle the ups and downs in life and the relationships that go with it.

I truly believe now that if my past were to confront my future I could handle it. Yes part of me misses it but I know that part of me wont let one person decide my future. In all honesty I focused my future around that person and that wasn't right for either of us. There are reason people have their own seperate dreams. When you meet the one that you believe you want to be with forever of course dreams might alter SLIGHTY but they shouldn't alter COMPLETELY.

My dream has always been to work in a theatre or act in one. While this maybe a short term dream it is still one that I hope the man who wants to be with me will understand.

No person is perfect. I have found this out but each person DOES have good in them. Whether you want to find that good is your choice. I have found a good in each of the people in my past.

The strongest person in my past has found the most good. They pushed for me to sing, and if they hadn't I never would have applied to a school in England. Did this push us part? Probably, but I wont let that alter any more of my decisions. From what I hear they are happy and I wish them the best.

I am happy. For the first time in 6 months I am happy. I hope that the past can one day be my friend but until them I'm still going to push forward because if I don't I'm going to let all of the negative people in my past control me... And I refuse to be controlled anymore.....

Heading home... for a bit...

Well... So the idea of me keeping a blog and keeping it updated seemed to go out the window as soon as I got here to England. So I'll do a short recap of the past two months and everything that happened.

The flight here went well though when I arrived in Heathrow I thought someone had swiped my luggage (luckily there was just a little confusion from one girl and i received my luggage after 10 minutes of freaking out). Got to Brighton and totally freaked! It wasn't this small town like Canton but a huge city with thousands of people and cars (driving on the wrong side of the rode to me).

Met my flat mates and got settled in. Jenaan who is from India turned to be one of my best friends here. Not only do I trust her to go out and drink with me but I also trust her that when I did have my emotional break down she allowed me to sit on her bed and through tears and a runny nose explain everything I was thinking at 1:00 in the morning.

I auditioned for the Musical Theatre Societies Spring Musical: West Side Story and got cast as Rosalia. Not only do I sing but I also get to dance. (Exciting stuff for me considering I never thought of myself as a dancer) Classes are going very well though some of my classmates and I disagree. I guess putting a group of masters students in one room and telling them to create a piece of work doesn't work very well considering we all have COMPLETELY different personalities.

And that brings you up to the present. So far I have faced everything I was scared I would face: fear, happiness, loneliness, depression, excitement, and a number of other emotions too confusing to write. And now that I have felt all of these emotions I am going home.

Home. Wow, it seems like so far away. In actuality it is, if I think of Wenona as home, but recently I've started to consider Brighton home. I've met some amazing people that I consider as close friends and am finally starting to open myself up to others again. I'm not saying I'm ready for a relationship, that is definitely not the case, but I am ready to start meeting people and having a good time and not worrying about what this person or that person would think of me.

And so in two days I fly home to see my family and friends. Hopefully this holiday season will be better then the past. But to speak honestly, even if it doesn't I'm not too worried because in a short amount of time I will be coming back to Brighton and celebrating the New Year in a new city and with new friends.

And so I think this blog is long enough. But now that I have written again I will continue to write. Perhaps even start writing songs again. Who knows?

10 Days and Counting

So its official. I leave in ten days... for England... for a year. Wow... I never thought that I would be doing this. Honestly I thought I would be living in Missouri right now contemplating what to make for dinner. But no, instead I'm trying to figure out how many pairs of underwear I should pack for a year. Crazy huh?

Perhaps I should explain why I'm writing this blog. First and formost I'm writing it because my little sis in my sorority house told me to. Secondly, so I can see where I am/was in my life when I took this huge step. And last but certainly not least to have something to keep me sane JUST IN CASE I freakout once I get over there.

With all that said now I am just counting the days. Counting the number of jeans, shoes, and underwear. And wondering how much of me is going to change once I leave me little safety net of Wenona. Let's face it, over the past 2 years many decisions have been made, many tears have been shed, and many bullheaded decisions have been regretted; but suddenly, I feel as though everything I am leaving behind is slowly fading away. I guess I should be glad since most of what is fading away is already gone. (If you don't understand that sentence don't worry, most wont.) But I think what I'm most afraid of is that all that I have tried to accomplish in the past 5 years of my life will be forgotten as soon as I step on that plane.

And so I'm left worrying about being forgotten and to stop that I'm writing this blog. All in all... I'm scared.