Gosh I suck at keeping this thing updated! Thanks to Sara Jane I'm going to try to start again... for the 20th time lol...

Ok. So what's going on with me... Well I started working out even harder this time. I restarted the P90X program. I'm already on day 10 and I'm finding it hard to skip a day. This should be a good thing but there are times I wish I could just lay in bed and not have to go and get all sweaty in my kitchen from the workout. Along with the P90X workout I'm also following a stricter diet and running.

The running is going really well. It's this workout called Couch to 5K. I actually miss it when I'm not running in the morning, though my parents gave me the advice that I shouldn't be running every day AND the P90X workout, my body needs time to adjust. I'm enjoying running by the sea and I'm afraid that when I finally move back to the states not only is the heat going to kill be but also the lack of the ocean.

The diet is going pretty well. Today wasn't my best day but I'm keeping my calories low and focusing on my veg. and lean meats. Still having my cravings for my sweets but hopefully soon I can knock that out along with the smoking.

I haven't gone out drinking in over a month. I miss getting really drunk but this workout is keeping me focused. I am hoping for one or two more times of drinking bliss with the crew here in England before I head back to the states.

Which brings me to my next point, I'm coming home. I fly out September 2 to Florida to see my sister and her husband. After staying with them for about a week then I fly back to Illinois. Somehow I have to find a job and start saving cash so I can afford to go to Culver's Homecoming.

I'm not quite sure how I feel about coming home. Part of me is excited to see my family and friends but a larger part of me is knowing that I am going to miss England and all my friends over here a lot. I've created such an amazing life over here. A life that doesn't follow my past but instead allows me to look towards the future. I am planning on coming back someday and moving here. Hopefully it will be when I make it as a West End performer but until that day I have to go home and save money.

That's all for now since I need to get some sleep so I can get up and do my workout in the morning. I'll try to post more often.

P90X

Well yesterday I started my P90X workout again. I'm surprised to find that this morning I'm not sore. I know that I brought it. I pushed myself to the limit that it was hard to do a push-up but I'm not sore. I do feel like I could have brought it a little more with the Ab Ripper X but that will just teach me to bring it even more tomorrow.

Today is plyometrics and I'm excited. Though I know this workout is hard I really want to see results.

I found a website that I can calculate the calories that I eat a day along with a rough estimate of the calories that I burn working out.

My goal is to lose about 20 lbs before I go home for the weddings in October or at least lose some inches.

Well off to my workout!!! BRING IT!!!

In a very unusual way...

In a very unusual way one time I needed you.

In a very unusual way you were my friend.

Maybe it lasted a day, maybe it lasted an hour.

But somehow it will never end.

In a very unusual way I think I'm in love with you.

In a very unusual way I want to cry.

Something inside me goes weak.

Something inside me surrenders.

And your the reason why, your the reason why!

You don't know what you do to me.

You don't have a clue.

You can't tell what it's like to be me looking at you.

It scares me so that I can hardly speak...

In a very unusual way I owe what I am to you.

Though at times it appears I wont stay, I never go.

Special to me in my life, since the first day that I met you.

How could I ever forget you once you had touched my soul?

In a very unusual way you made me whole.

I can't get these lyrics out of my head lately. It seems that whenever I'm walking anywhere these words and someone always come to my mind. I didn't think I could miss someone as much as I do. I keep getting asked to come home and seriously I'm considering it, at least for a visit. There's something about this person that every morning I hope I get to say hello to them. Every day I hope to get a message. I know this is dorky but it makes me feel good. I'm so glad that I can feel this way.

The lyrics talk about a relationship that is difficult to describe and explain to other people. And that is how I feel right now. There's something about him that makes me feel amazing. I can't help but smile after I get done talking to him. There just seems to be a large part of me that feels beautiful and perfect when I get to be near him. And trust me I haven't felt like that in a very long time.

I know this post is probably pretty uninteresting to some people. "Ok. Sarah has a crush on a guy again. yay...." But for me this is big. I can't wait to see him again, to talk to him, to hug him. And he enjoys my dorkiness, I think sometimes even more then some of my best friends! lol.

I guess I just can't believe that I'm happy. And I have a feeling I'll be coming home for a visit sooner then I planned....

So I have decided that part of my "New Adventure" is me getting back into shape. When I started school at culver I weighed 165 pounds. I was a sports girl so that weight didn't bother me. Well after 4 years of doing nothing but drinking beer and sitting on a couch I left Culver weighing 225 pounds. (I admit its scary to say that number out loud but I need to if I'm going to be honest with myself.) Right now after just watching what I eat and walking more I now weigh roughly 186.

Now you might be wondering why I am telling you this. Well I want to use this blog as a way for me to get back into shape. I have to be serious and if I want a career and I need to be in shape. So I bought the P90X workout. So far I'm a month in and I have to admit some days it's really hard to keep doing the workout. I would much rather be laying in bed watching a movie or sleeping in.

I want this blog to help push me to lose the weight. With almost 30 days down in the workout I lost about 8 pounds. My goal in the next 60 days is to get down to 170. Be prepared for weekly updates or possibly even daily updates about how much I hate having to do the workouts or how busy my schedule is now.

I hope you don't get too annoyed but if you do you don't have to read. Have a great day everyone!!!

Sarah

The B word... Sssshhhhhh

So I haven't written in a while. Honestly I don't know why. Lots of things have been going on so you would think I would lol. But seriously I don't feel like catching this blog up on every little thing that I have done.

I'm doing ok. The past two weeks have been rough but that can be expected. I had two 4000 word essays due and OF COURSE I procrastinated. Waited till the last minute to get them done. But what can I say. That's just how I work.

I went home for Spring Break and while it was great to see some people that I really missed and to meet some new people... I'm really glad to be back in England. I feel comfortable here. It's nice knowing I don't have to worry about people talking about me behind my back or coming up to me and say "your sarah Jo? oh...I heard about you." I mean seriously folks? come on...

Truthfully the reason I'm really glad to be back is Bryan is engaged. Yes. I said his name. I can. I was with the guy for 4 1/2 years I think I'm allowed that. And I'm not going to lie, it hurt when I heard the news. Not because I thought we were going to get back together. I wouldn't dream of giving up where I am now to be with him. (And everyone that's knows me and how our relationship was knows I would have given up what I was doing not the other way around). I think it hurt because seriously... I WANTED IT FIRST! I wanted to show him that I'm fine with out him. But now looking back I can see that I really did show him I'm better off with out him.

I chose England over him. Even when we talked about me staying in the states I STILL chose England. And I wouldn't give up this experience for the world! I know that if I would have picked the other route I would have been stuck in southern missouri in a job that I really didn't like in a relationship that, let's be honest, was not healthy.

So if you are reading this you are probably thinking two things. One: How can she talk like that about Bryan? Two: What changed?

With question number one, I can talk about Bryan because I need to talk about Bryan. My sister was right. By me telling everyone that I'm ok. I'm fine. I'm over him. I never was going to get over him. And I can say now I'm on that track. It helps that I met this amazing guy and while things might not pan out with us, he seriously taught me how to laugh again, that drinking is ok, and in all honesty how to be myself again. But I still have a long road ahead. I do care about Bryan and I probably always will. We went through some pretty big events together (thank god we skipped the marriage part lol) and I think part of me will always care about him because of that.

The answer to question two, what changed? I did. For the first time in 3 1/2 years (first year was actually good between bryan and myself) I am making decisions for myself. I'm deciding what I want to do and not listening to what someone else wants me to do to follow them. The other answer to the question, I can't imagine myself with him anymore. I can't imagine going through a day ever again where I feel bad about myself. I'm not saying that Bryan did that every day, he didn't. Many times he was my best friend. But when I would come home and feel horrible that I made a decision with out talking to him, that's just not right. And I'm not doing that anymore.

I have some amazing friends that I have met here. Friends that like my silly behavior. Friends that if they do know what happened don't judge me. Friends that like the fact that I like to drink, go out, smoke (though I am trying to quit), and love theatre more then anything in the world. Friends that can forgive me if I do make a mistake. And I do make mistakes.

I can finally be myself. So if that's the catch up that you wanted there it is. Hopefully if you read this you can say that you are proud of me. And not start the stupid rumors about "oh my god did you see what Sarah Jo wrote on facebook and her online journal? How could she?" Seriously folks, get over yourselves. Many of you who are judging just remember, at one point you used to be a good friend of mine. You used to say you had my back. And as you can see we are no longer friends because just as you used me, I used you too. I used you to help me get through my rough patches with Bryan. But guess what I'm done with that now. So F off. :)

Dorothy and the Stinkin' Work Visa

Well today was the audition for Andrew Lloyd Weber's next leading lady. The role: Dorothy.

First off I should probably say not my ideal dream role BUT an ideal dream to work with some of the top people connected with the West End stage.

Let's just start at the very beginning of the day.

Got ready. yep... I actually showered for the audition lol. But seriously. Went into London and got to the audition sight. There were HUNDREDS of girls there and that was only for my time slot. After reading halfway through "The Shakespeare Curse" (good book I highly recommend it) it was finally my turn. So basically I sat on my butt from 1:30 in the afternoon till 4:55 where they took us from one holding cell, I mean waiting area, to the next. After listening to girls freaking out about their hair and how they were sure the producers were going to be mean and nasty to everyone it was finally my turn to line up.

When it was my turn I walked in and had a very nice conversation with the judges. I explained to them how to spell my name (this took most of the conversation time since they couldn't get my last name spelled right lol) where I was from and what I was doing in England. I explained to them I was on a student visa and saw the auditions and wanted to try. They told me when I was ready to go ahead and sing. So I did...

First song Somewhere Over the Rainbow. I'm sure the judges had heard it enough that they were ready to puke but somehow they let me sing through the entire song. Most of the girls I was told they cut them off after the middle part of the song.

After that I got asked to sing my Pop song. I decided that I wanted a really hard core song so I naturally chose Janice Joplin's Piece of My Heart lol. They really seemed to like it and I can honestly say those five minutes in that room were possibly the best audition moments to date.

After I left the room and I sat down and just wanted the rest of the day to be over with. But instead I got called back into the room immediately to talk to them about my visa. You see, there is this little problem with auditioning for a show if you don't have a work visa. While you get to see the judges they can't really move you forward into the next round if you can only work 20 hours a week and most days alone you work 20. So my problem began. I told them I was willing to except the heartache if they ended up having to cut me I just wanted to see how far I could go.

With in this meeting they decided to explain to me that I was what they were looking for both in look and voice but the problem was the visa. One of the judges decided she would go and talk to the head producer and find out if there was any way we could work around it for now.

HMMMMMmmmm.... Now try coming out of an audition hearing that! lol... After all the girls in my group were done singing we were all supposed to go in as a group and be told how we were and if anyone was moving to the next round. But instead they decided I should sing a little more.

Not knowing what was happening I walked in and immediatly asked "So am I here to hear the bad news?" The guy in the room gave a week smile before asking me to sing a musical song. I ended up singing SuperBoy and the Invisible Girl from Next To Normal (amazing show and sound track, check it out!). After that I was asked to leave.

When the whole group came back in the decided to give us this huge speech about how the were having to be tougher with their choices. I didn't make it. I did get held back to be told the only reason I didn't make it to the next round and farther was because of my visa... Stupid visa... Stupid rules....

I think the highlight of the day came after. One girl who had been in my group and had also been the annoying girl singing throughout the entire day ended up telling her father/boyfriend (not sure which. He looked old enough to be her father but they were kinda handsy) that she though I was going to make it but obviously I just wasn't good enough. After me hearing this I guess the diva came out. I had been walking behind them and stated quite bluntly: "Well actually I didn't make it through because I'm only on a student visa. I don't have a work visa. What's your excuse?"

Ok I will admit probably a little mean but here is this girl assuming stuff and after being told that I was soooooo close (yet so far away) I just, well, snapped. I smiled sweetly at her afterwards if that counts for anything.

Long story short to add more sadness to my life my train got halfway back to the beautiful city of Brighton only for it to be announced that the train would be stopping at the next stop and terminating due to signaling errors. Next train I boarded had enough people on it to make Culver look tiny!! Oh and then that train was delayed. This delay equaled lots and lots of people in tight small space, little air circulation, and some people who obviously do not believe in deodorant.

So a few things have learned.

1. Every audition is totally worth it. You find out things about yourself and your confidence every time.

2. It is not necessarily to good to snap at the girl who assumes you suck because you didn't make it. (though we could all hear each other through the door REALLY easily and she really did)

3. Any time you might be traveling on a train be sure to wear deodorant and possibly care around a spare stick to give to those who haven't.

And last.

4. Work visas SUCK!!!!!!!!

So the past few days have been good and bad in their own way.

I am currently working on my lighting design for West Side Story. So far I have a large bulk of the drafting done and two watercolors. I forgot how hard it could be to have to draft a full stage when you don't have the blueprint for the theatre. At Culver it was nice and simple since we had the blue print and whether people would admit it or not, you could just lay your drafting paper on top and copy it. lol But now that I actually have to be a real designer and create my own drafts its sooooooooo different!

I'm excited for the show though. I think I'm more excited to get the lighting done. For me there is just something so awesome about hanging lights and seeing what I saw in my head actually turning out on stage. This makes me VERY happy. :)

I think part of the reason the past few days have been kinda rough is I'm kinda homesick. I'm not homesick that I miss my house or small town. Instead I'm homesick for my friends. I miss going out to the bar with the crew in Wenona. I miss going up to DU and hanging out. I miss sitting in the Chapter room at the house and watching the most girly movies ever! (Angie- P.S. I Love You hehe) I guess I just miss my friends.

I've made some amazing friends here though. And seriously with out them I really don't think I would have been able to handle this whole England thing.

But now the question of what I'm going to be doing AFTER England is up. Do I stay? Do I find a job back in the states? I started looking up some college teaching jobs back in the states. I actually found two that connected with my Masters so that was exciting. What was not exciting is that one of them is just WAY to close to southern Missouri. I just am not ready to be that close yet.

I guess I'm just trying to figure things out. I hate not having a plan. Though in all honesty, none of my plans ever seem to work out. So what I do know is that I am going to love the rest of my time here in England. I'm going to travel and possibly go to Scotland, Ireland, and France here pretty soon.

But as of right now my next journey will be up to London to audition for Andrew Lloyd Weber. I'm hoping that it goes well and I at least make it to the second round... Hopefully....

When do you get over it?

So let's face it. Right now in my life, boys aren't a big thought. With being over in England, focusing on my Masters, acting in West Side Story, doing the lighting design for West Side Story, auditions for Andrew Lloyd Webber, and the Grad Student Showcase, seriously who has time?

But somehow that seems to be the center of every conversation: who have I been talking to, who do I miss, who is just a good friend, who am I interested in. And I guess the question for myself is when do you get over it?

When does your life NOT focus around boys. To be honest, I have had my share of crushes in the past 8 months and wishing that things with certain people would work out. But seriously, why this focus on finding the one? I guess part of me wonders if it is because all my friends are in relationships, getting married/having kids. And then the other part of me is thinking "well technically if everything would have been working out I would have been stuck in some town with no actual theatre and cooking dinner for some guy that treated me like shit. A 'happy' marriage". NO THANK YOU! That isn't the case anymore.

I like being on my own. I like knowing that I can wear what I want and I don't have to worry about my "boyfriend" not liking my outfit. I like going out and talking to different guys and getting to know people. The pressure of having a significant other seems less then it was back at Culver. But why the constant talk of boys?

I think all girls, whether they want to admit it or not, are always looking for that guy that can be their best friend. The guy that when you walk into the bar with jeans, a hoodie, and a baseball cap looks at you and says either A. Well you look comfy. Drink? or B. You look like crap, what's wrong. While yes it is always nice to hear "oh baby you look good in anything you where," honestly right now I want a guy that can see me looking like shit and can offer either an open ear or a shot of Jager.

I think this is the reason why I am single. I don't "flirt" like some of those girls who go out to bars and can pull any guy. I don't know how to twirl my hair, batt my eyes or giggle at a joke that is truly horrible. I'm the type of girl who would rather play a round of beer pong, do shots at the bar and call you a dork when you chicken out going up and talking to the "hot" girl that just walked in. And no, I don't feel the need every time I go out to the bar to get dressed up and put on tons of makeup. Sooner or later the guy has to see you without all the cosmetics, I guess I just figured they might as well see it sooner.

I like hanging out with the guys and being their friends. If that leads to something, great! If not then at least I know I have a whole bunch of guy friends that I can go party with and have a good time.

But though I may say all this listed above, I still like laying in bed and cuddling with a guy. I like it when he walks up behind me and puts his arms around my waist. I think it's amazing when a guy pulls you in and gives you a quick kiss in the middle of a conversation with one of his friends. Come on, I'm a girl for Christ sake!

But when do you get over this whole search for the "perfect" guy? Is it just possible that a woman truly can be happy without a man by her side? Maybe this whole blog is simply a rant about me being lonely. Maybe it's about me finally being sure enough about myself that I'm ready to be in another relationship. Or maybe, just maybe, I should shut up and for once take my mother's advice and "Not go searching for the right guy. The right guy will find me." Hmmmm........

Well it's 3:13 in the morning and of course I can't sleep BUT I do have some exciting news!!

A REALLY REALLY good friend of mine is getting married!!! I'm sooo excited for her! Today we were lucky enough to be able to chat on facebook and it was great! We seemed to pick right back up where we were the last time we talked. Of course we did a little walk down memory lane but it was hysterical. I forgot how silly and crazy we were back then! I mean seriously who else do you know would call a friend to say that there was jungle juice at a party and within 2 minutes they had SPRINTED across campus to come and drink jungle juice with you! I really missed talking to her. And to top off the whole thing she asked me to be a bridesmaid! MAN AM I UBER STOKED!!!!!!!

Things are also very interesting right now in the flat. There's a party going on next door which is cracking me up and then everyone trying to get their papers done in time. I do believe Jenaan and B are the only ones actually succeeding lol. So tomorrow my goal is to finish my paper and start the other.... both due on Monday... talk about procrastination! lol

But that's all for now! I said I would start updating more and so I am. I also think I'm going to start writing music again. I'll probably post it on here. Nigh folks!

Back in Brighton

I'm back in Brighton. It's weird though. The whole time I was back in the states I kept thinking "When can I go back to Brighton?!?!" but now my whole idea is "When can I go back to Wenona?!?!?" It's interesting to find that no matter where I go there is always a party of me wanting to go back where my family is.

New Years was amazing here though. We ended up just staying in the building for the beginning of the night. Of course had a big dance party and had a blast. Then the idea came up that we needed to be down on the beach to actually ring in the New Year. This was a great idea for the boys since they were all wearing pants and long sleeve shirts but Jenaan and I were quite cold walking down to the seafront with our dresses on. But it was all worth it in the end!

The atmosphere on the beach was amazing! All along the seafront people were setting off fireworks, sparklers, and firecrackers! Then to top it off small groups of people were lighting these huge lanterns that would take off and fly over the ocean. When I was looking at the lanterns I couldn't help but think that this was a way of saying goodbye to 2009, light it up and watch it blow away all the bad things that happened. At that moment I wish I had one to say goodbye to my past. When the time did switch to 2010 I looked around and saw all of these people hugging, kissing loved ones, and I realized that if I would have stayed at home I NEVER would have experienced this. Yes I would have been with friends and family that I care about but I would still be in my safe little box.

I guess this is when Cameron's amazing idea set in. The big moment of celebrating the New Year would be all of us stepping into the freezing ocean water. Because I mean seriously, when else can you say you were in England on New Year's and stuck your feet in the water right on the beach front? And so we did, Jenaan, Cameron, Aniruddh, and me barefoot walking down the chilly pebble beach towards the even icier water. But somehow it seemed to make the New Year really come in. I can't believe I'm saying it but walking into that cold water was like, well, washing off all of the bad stuff from 2009 and saying let's start clean and fresh.

After the beach extravaganza, we all headed in to warm up and of course have a few more drinks. The party moved down to our flat and music and dancing continued. I ended up not going to sleep that night until 7. I was in my own way saying goodbye to some old ghosts and hello to my new future.

And so now here it is January 2, 2010. I haven't done a lot to make the New Year count but perhaps in some way I started my New Year back in September. Because you see September was when I decided that coming to England was the next step in my life. So maybe December 31st wasn't my New Year perhaps September 27th was. And if that's the case all I have to say is: Hi New Year, where have you been? I've been waiting.